Why the Spurs are boring, and why they will win

Hey Scrapper Nation. Due to a garish and tragic ankle injury which set me back a bit, I have been slow to finish my Southwest Division preview. I've been working on the Spurs section, and it has become very long. For that reason I am going to post it in its entirety now, and follow up later today or tomorrow with the rest of the Southwest Division (Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, Memphis).

San Antonio Spurs

The consensus among casual basketball fans is that the Spurs are the most boring team in the NBA. If I had to guess, I’d say that this is also the consensus among network executives at ABC who saw their ratings drop precipitously during last year’s Spurs-Cavs Finals. What makes them so boring? Let’s break it down.

Reason #1: Their superstar might actually be a robot.

We’ve been waiting for years to see some evidence of emotion from Tim Duncan other than the shocked “Me?!?! You called a foul on me?!?!” face he makes after every whistle.

Here at Scrapper Nation we hypothesize that when he was designed in the engineering laboratory in the Virgin Islands, Duncan was pre-programmed with only two facial expressions: stoic and bewildered. If you see smiles, laughter, or anger at any point in the coming season, attribute it to technological advances which have allowed Duncan to be rewired and made to appear more authentically human.

Reason #2: The Spurs play solid, conservative, textbook basketball.

They run a methodical offense. On the other end, they don’t overplay passing lanes because they know that they can rely on the five guys on the floor to play as a stifling defensive unit.

Despite the fact that they have All-Star guards Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili, their offense typically runs through Duncan and their points come from playing smart, efficient basketball and taking advantage of what the defense gives them. This is not exciting for the casual fan.

Reason #3: They play in a small market and they never have any drama.

No one on the Spurs issues trade demands. No Spur gripes about playing time. The Spurs rarely if ever get involved with any on-court altercations (see “Horry, Robert” for the exception).

The closest thing they have to an exciting storyline is the Tony Parker-Eva Longoria relationship, which has so saturated the sports world in the past year that I’m not going to bother summarizing it, except to say that my favorite part was when Eva implied that Tony was a bit of an amateur in the bedroom.

So, Charlie, we get it, they’re boring. Isn’t the point of your preview to highlight reasons to get excited about these teams?

Yes, friend, you are correct. And there are a lot of reasons to get excited about this Spurs team, but there is one reason that trumps all others: this team is the model of perfect basketball. As a basketball fan, how can you not appreciate watching this Spurs offense systematically dismantle every defense it faces?

If you think they lack flair, just wait until Duncan hits the bench and Manu becomes the facilitator. He's among the best in the game at finishing acrobatically, and he is no stranger to clutch performances.

You hate Manu because he’s a huge flopper? Fair enough. Turn your eyes to Parker as he inconceivably fills it up in the paint as a 6 foot nothing point guard.

Complain all you want about how boring the Spurs are, or how tired you are of watching them, but don’t lose sight of the reality. You are witnessing perfect basketball. Don’t believe me? Check back in June.